Let's talk about The Girls

Can I just get candid here for a moment and share something? Sure I can. Let's talk about breasts.

I'm not what you would call well-endowed in the breast department. If I still had them, I could easily wear the bras I owned back in 8th grade. I actually don't really even need a bra. I remember being fourteen and thinking, "Any day now, they will start growing. Annnnyyy day." Yeah, that day never really came. And I always felt totally cheated. And really kind of down. I felt less shapely, less womanly, and less desirable. I wanted larger breasts so badly that whenever I appeared in my own dreams, I was always a couple cups sizes bigger with glorious cleavage. And then I would wake up and say "good morning" to my teeny-bopper tatinas. I tolerated them, but I didn't love them. I just wasn't super excited about The Girls.

That started to change when I went to college. I ran on the cross country team and, for the first time in my life, got to see other women's bodies in the locker room. Wow - the variety! The beauty! The imperfection! This seemed to be especially true of breasts. I began to realize that very, very few of us are built like the women in the lingerie ads. Very few. And this made me think about myself, and my breasts in a different way. My body education continued when I studied abroad in Morocco. I lived with a family who bathed at the local hammam (public bathhouse) and so guess what - I did, too. The more I saw of womanhood, the more I started to like the hand I had been dealt. 

But it was motherhood that really made me see the light. If I could, I would give my boobs a full salute with canons and marching horses and the works today. I would hold a parade in their honor. Because now I realize that they are perfect. They are team players. They have worked really, really hard for my son and me this past year - and it has not always been easy. Feeding Severen has been the joy of my life.  I enjoyed the quiet moments in those first months when I daydreamed/slept and studied him while he nursed. I enjoy the fun moments now, nursing a 1-year-old, when we chat and play games. Nursing forces both of us to be still, slow down and just hold on to each other: A little boy and his mama enjoying a very small window of precious time.

Waking up

One of my favorite things to do is fetch Severen when he wakes up from his nap. Or like yesterday, I actually go in and wake him up if he is sleeping too late.

We all know that waking up from a nice slumber can be quite disorienting. I guess it just surprises me that children experience the same thing. It cracks me up because Severen's expressions seem so adult. I mean, I make most of these faces every morning myself! Here is what I imagine him thinking in these photos:

"Huh? Oh, hi Mama. Where am I? Did you eat my crackers? Did I just pee? Look at my clock! What are we doing now? Is it time to play? I'm reeeaaadady! Wait . . . just give me a minute."

It is especially adorable when he collapses forward back into his blankets for one last snuggle before standing up and getting up for good. Don't we all love to nuzzle our pillows for a couple extra seconds before pushing the button on the alarm?

It's his birthday

        

I've never been more excited for a birthday than I am this year. And not for my own, but for Severen's. He turns one today. Here is my "he's here!' post from last year (just look at that little face!)

I vividly remember what I was doing when my water broke. I was standing in the kitchen, walking toward the garbage can to throw away some eggshells. And then it happened. I froze and looked at Soren. It wasn't until that moment that I really, truly understood that a baby was coming. And soon! That was my last moment of clarity for several hours. My next moment came when I realized that the wet, wiggling body on my chest was something that had just come out of my body. Inside, outside. Invisible, visible. An idea of a baby, a real baby. I wish I could have been hooked up to a CAT SCAN at that moment (OK not really) because what happened next in my brain must surely have lit up the screen: I became a mom.

It didn't happen when I looked at him, and that surprised me. I expected to see his face and immediately feel, "Oh this is my precious son!" Instead, I looked and looked and looked at him as he screamed and squinted up at me. I just felt confused. What was this? How could his voice be so powerful? Um, have we met? It was a scary moment, honestly, to expect a wave of tender emotion and feel not much at all.

But that didn't last long - maybe 10 or 20 seconds. Then I decided not to worry about my eyes. Or my brain. I stopped trying to study him. Instead, I just felt him. I pulled him close and nibbled his fingers. I put my face right up to his and cooed. I felt a crazy urge to lick him, like a mama bear. And that's when motherhood hit me. It turns out the the optic nerve is a poor conductor of motherly love. And the front lobes of the brain are ca-pooey after labor. But being close to him, skin on skin, flipped the parenthood switch from "off" to "on." And there is no turning if off again. Ever.

When you go into labor you have one life. When you leave the hospital (birth center, etc.) you have two lives.

I am so grateful for Severen's life and for the chance to be a mom. Happy Birthday, Severen!

P.S. That photo of Soren holding Severen for the first time gets me every time . . .
P.P.S. I will share some birthday celebration photos here next week!

9 months old

Well, Severen has officially been outside my belly for as long as he was inside. We celebrate his 9 month birthday this weekend! This is a photo from this morning (thanks, Dad!) The last month has been full of changes. He is crawling and walking by holding on to our fingers. He is more vocal. He likes to "talk" on his stroller rides and he laughs easily. He eats lots of foods but especially likes broccoli and mango. He loves to open the laundry shoot door and inspect the latch. He loves to eat fuzzies off the floor.

Every month I think, "This is it. This is the best time for us. This is the peak." And then the next stage comes along and I think it all over again.

He is very attached to me at the moment which I don't mind at all. I recognize that this is a very, very short stage and that sooner than I care to admit, he will be off and running and not needing his mama in the same way. So I am enjoying the extra love and cuddles. And I'm getting used to having him sit in the hallway while I go to the bathroom.

I am feeling less overwhelmed now. Let's say, two out of seven days (it used to be all seven!) Whatever maternal synapses and neruo-pathways (and coping mechanisms) I've been forging these last several months are finally sparking along at maximum capacity. There are days when I feel invincible. There are also days that I sob at my desk and wish my family lived closer to help us out. I don't expect this to change. I think being a little manic is part of being a parent.

My overwhelming emotion these days is pride. I am so proud to be Severen's mom. I'm so excited that he is on our family team! I want a bumper sticker that says, "My little boy is awesome." I want a t-shirt with his little face on it. Most importantly, I totally get why some moms wear giant, shiny buttons of their kids' sports team photo.  I used to think that was so dorky but now, oh yes I'm gonna be wearing one of those. Probably with a jeans jacket and some mom jeans. Awwww yeah.

Next week on the blog . . . 
Halley's comet jewelry
Severen's new favorite toy
A biggish shop update